Caregiver fatigue

It's real.  It's hard.  It's consuming.  I'm tired.  Not tired like I haven't slept tired (but that's true too). The mental and physical stress of being a full time, rarely get a break caregiver is weighing me down.  I've said this before, but in case you don't remember...Lillian cannot bathe, bathroom care, or feed herself.  She can dress herself, but the choices are not always the best.  Most of my days are spent from one end of her mood to the other end.  One end being she's mad at me for taking care of her to no personal space love.  Aside from personal care giving, there is medications, treatments, doctor's appointments on end.  I.am.tired.   Of course, there is constant concern regarding illness and am I doing what's right and yada yada yada....never.ending.  

I am so grateful, we have managed thru December without hospitalization.  I have experienced joy and peace throughout the season while walking through tough days.  I am grateful but I'm tired.

I did not want to go to church today.  I received a text from a friend who is in her own caregiving battle.  My first thoughts are that she must be tired.  I told her how I felt and asked her how she felt.  We know the Lord is our strength.  Most of our days, though, are fighting uphill battles with those we love the most.  We got into church just as the praise songs had started.  We are sitting in the balcony to avoid the crowd.  I miss physical contact and greetings with my church family.  So I often holler from the balcony to blow kisses and air hug those that I miss.  

I wanted to take E to see a movie over Christmas break, but I have to think and look at showtimes and try to go when I hope the rest of the world won't be attending, in the end, I will let Matt take him and I'll be on duty with L for the duration.  I know you might be reading this and thinking, that's not such a big deal.  Having your family constantly divided it exhausting.  

Thank God for his neverending mercy and grace, because I need it.  I NEEEEED it.