Thursday, December 17, 2020

When it's hard to be grateful for "normal"

 December has been a hard month for me.  Emotionally, I've been kind of a mess.  Perhaps it is indeed "COVID fatigue" or maybe not.  Maybe it's just the circumstances of life feel heavier.  I'm not sure.  Tears are readily available  these days.  As the mother of five daughters, I've experience puberty many times with girls and all the changes that come along.  When it comes to Lillian, I've heard a variety of stories from doctors and nurses stating puberty comes sooner for kids with special needs or she's so small I don't expect puberty until much later.  Lillian is walking thru this new season.  I am sad with a capital S.  It is so dreadfully unfair that she has to walk through this and of ALL things why does this have to be her "normal"  for her hard fought life?  The irony of the whole thing is not lost on me.  The prayers, the days, the nights. I've longed for something "normal".  A lump is gathered in my throat and tears are leaking out.  I never liked that my other girls had to venture these waters either, but you know, it's a part of being a woman and eventually, God willing, it allows them to experience motherhood.  The dagger slides deeper....or that's how it feels at least.   The body grows and changes and her mind doesn't.  It's not fair.  It hurts.  Choices are not mine.  It's hard.  That's all.  

So, if you're reading this and are walking through a hard time, I'll leave you with this and I'll keep looking up.

Isaiah 43:2

When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.


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