Sometimes it just feels like this

 In the Shallows

In the shallows so long, forgetting what's wrong. 

The tide rolls in, the tide rolls out.

My head above water, the waves calmly go.

It's a manageable place, then the waves start to race.

I'm farther from shore, in the shallows no more.

The waves..they get bigger, they grow and grow.

The sun is still out, those on the shore continue about.

Nothing is different for those on the sand.

They wade in the shallows, they don't seem to know.

I see, in the distance, another soul with persistence.

Their wave's a bit different, also unseen, unexpected.

We'll get back to the shallows, but, when, we don't know.

I think I might sink, the waves get bigger with each blink.

My breath harder to catch in the ocean I'm given.

Hard to forget about all of the sorrow.

Time seems to still as I gasp and spill.

To the others around me, I'm just out for a swim.

I need back in the shallows. I need a tow.

I try to hold fast to He, the ONE who holds me.

The waves dying down, my breath easy now.

In the waves, in the shallows, He IS where I go.

November 9, 2021 written by me.

Can I share my week with you? The tooth saga continued...

 or root saga whichever you think fits.  First off, this past week has been a rough one.  Tuesday, Matt, who is very rarely ever sick...it takes a WHOLE lot to knock him off his feet, well Tuesday morning he started a vomit fest which lasted 2 days, he stayed in the bed and barely ate or drank until Friday.  He missed work all week, although he tried to go back Wednesday but came home after half a day.  He is at work today, so I hope he's over the hump.  Ezekiel started vomit fest Saturday and continued into Sunday.  He seems completely better now.  Lillian was taken down almost four weeks ago with a two day fever and nasty drainage that my grandkids all had and is STILL needing extra treatments because her asthma is flared up.  She's still draining like crazy but it's clear, but still messing with her asthma.  I struggled with just a mild headache off and on all week and yesterday I think I hit the wall, so my sinuses are now jacked up, no rest for the weary. HA.  Please, please pray that this stomach thing passes over myself and Lillian.  I'm already declaring we will NOT get it.  

So, we say an oral surgeon in Greenwood and he has determined that we will hold off on the surgery for 6 months unless troubles arise before then.  I'll spare you all the minute details.  

Anyway, it's been a crazy week with lots of upheaval in our routines.  Keep us in your prayers.  Thanks for reading.

Dental and Pulmonary Update

 Big stuff coming for Lillian this summer. First, she had a routine dental appointment last week and it went much better than before.  Very few tears.  We have, however, come to the point where the broken tooth must be dealt with. She is scheduled for dental surgery in August at this time.  She will have the tooth pulled and a couple fillings and sealants placed.  

We saw her pulmonologist today. She will need to have a chest CT this summer to get a look since it's been 6 years.  He suspects some bronchiectasis, so this CT will show that finding if it indeed exists.  I think medication is the answer if that is the case.  

We now, officially, only have two children at home .  Seems so very strange.  

Continue to keep us covered in prayer as I continue to deal with medical issues in multiple areas.   

Milestones to me

 Today, 14 years and almost five months later, Lillian is moving OUT of her car seat.  I know it doesn't seem all that life changing to most...but it is a huge milestone to me.  I even have the tiniest anxiety about it...BUT...it's time.  Her legs hang out way over her booster and it's just a safer place for her to sit in a normal seat.  

Good bye booster.  Hello regular seat.  Really hard to believe.....

Celebration and Love

 Today we celebrated one of my grand daughters' first birthday.  Time certainly flies.  Seems even faster than my own kids growing up.  It was immediate family and a few family friends.  It was a joyful celebration.  Hazel Basil, as we affectionately call her, is a lover and cuddler.  She is just starting to toddle around but far prefers to be held.  

As I sat visiting with my lifelong best friend, we were catching up on my former church family and how folks were getting along.  She shared about a gentlemen who has a special needs daughter.  I remember her through all my growing up years.  Since his wife passed, he has been mostly caring for her, she was fairly independent.  Michelle shared with us today that she developed Alzheimers and her father had to put her in a nursing home and how broken hearted he is over it.  My mind collapsed, crumpling like a wadded up piece of paper.  As the news sank in, the tears started to overtake me and my heart broke for his. I can't really explain it any other way.  I  tried to regain composure, but it was hard.  Tears fall, as I try to write about it.  My chocolate birthday cake turned to sand in my mouth.  (and I love chocolate cake, friends).  

Life with a special needs child is tough.  It's heart breaking, difficult, with never ending challenges.  It's joy filled, tear stained, and blessed beyond measure.  

I'm a lot a bit wrecked tonight, because love hurts sometimes and I'm hurting for a daddy who is hurting for his little girl.

She loved the dukes of hazard, I hope she still does and I hope it still brings her joy.

Lillian insisted on taking a walk today, even though  there was a cold wind trying to blow us off the sidewalk.  She still wanted to walk. So we did.   I sit here, listening to Lillian "scare" her dad as he gets to her room to get her to bed.  Hold on to the momemts.....they pass quickly by.

Pediatrician Checks In

 Lillian had her 14 year well child appointment last week.  She had gained six pounds in a year and is just an inch shy of five feet tall.  She had a good visit, but I did ask for a blood draw because she has complained about being tired for quite some time.  I cried a little as we discussed the changes she's going through and some of the possible scenarios we should consider. She did pretty well with the blood draw, but it's heart wrenching to actually hear her say through tears, "I'm  'care".  

Did get the call today, she does have a very low vitamin D level so we'll start a supplement for that.  Her hemaglobin was good, and she had no corona antibodies.  Her metabolic panel was also fine.  

As she sat there on the table, legs crossed, hands in her lap, waiting I was struck by how grown up she is.  I nearly started to cry again.  When she was a year old and we had professional pictures made, I cried while previewing the photos because, first I was happy she had made it to a year old.  Second my heart was gripped that these might be the only photographic memories I would have of her life.  This day, at 14, I'm just grateful and in awe.  So, I said, can I take your picture and she said, "yea".  There is so much captured in that one moment.  

  So, if you're reading to this point,  this might resonate with you...we weren't given what we prayed for...ie a healthy child.  As we prayed in those early days and the years since we haven't been granted the desires of our hearts for her development and health issues.  We HAVE  been given life, we've seen miracles, we've seen prayers answered in other ways.  I've grown in the fruits of the spirit and closer and closer to my Strength and Shield.  Your story, your faith WILL touch others in ways you won't even know.  You are strong and this is not over until HE says it is.  

Heart Dr Checks In

 WHAT A DAY!  I felt confident that we would have a great cardiology appt for Lillian and I was right.  Her heart looks great and he doesn't foresee her ever needing heart repair to her original repair.  Since she doesn't grow in super huge leaps, it's actually been a good thing in regards to her heart defect.  Now, I move on to story time....I left town about half an hour earlier than needed and had been on 65 for about 25 minutes when we came to a dead stop.  There was a crash ahead and there was no telling how long we'd be sitting.  After 25-30 cars ahead and behind me made illegal uturns, I called the dr to tell them what was going on.They stated I could be 15 minutes late with no problem. I, then, tried to make an illegal uturn myself, only to be caught by a state policeman.  Now, mind you, I thought, these other people were not making the best decision, but I was also starting to feel desperate.  So, I turned myself around and was just settling in for the wait when the police officer, who was young enough to be my son, tapped on my window. He proceeded to chew me out, very kindly, about my "almost fatal" decision to make a uturn.  I told him I agreed completely and then he continued to lecture me about almost killing ourselves.  He said he wasn't going to give me a ticket and I told him I he should because I deserved it.  He finally proceeded on his way and I felt like a total idiot.  We arrive at the dr office and I am busting tale to get in there, my time read exactly 15 minutes over our appointment time.  We walk into the office and the front desk/medical assistant was ruder to me than I've ever encountered in my life.  I was biting back the tears.  She continued to talk to me very rudely to the point, where my old fleshy side nearly chucked that clipboard right back at her.  I told her I called and she was so so rude...I sat there on the seat thinking be kind to your enemy, don't return evil for evil.  She took Lillian back and was a different person toward her and I finally made it to the bathroom and cried.   

The doctor did say he was sorry for my trip issues and I said, well I got chewed out by a cop and your receptionist was not kind to me at all.  He said he was sorry for that too.  It was a rough day for me, stressful, I should say.  I just hope there was no injury to the people involved in the wreck.   

Also, we had a good report with her pulmonologist in December.

Never a dull moment.