I had a bad day yesterday. I woke up very tired...I don't even know if tired is the right word...just low. As my thoughts whirled around myself I prayed the Lord would help me turn my focus away from myself. On a phone call with a friend, I tried to describe to her how I was feeling....and my words disappeared and my tears started to flow. I tried to describe the isolation I sometimes feel...the circumstances we live in and the limitations it brings and the tears just flowed...words are just not adequate to explain. Few really understand.
I love my children. There is not anything I would not do for them...children if you are reading....there is NOTHING I would not DO for you because of my LOVE for you. I LOVE you more than you can understand.
That being said...it does not make life any easier or limitations and isolation not exist.
Here's what I'm told
"what's "normal" anyway"
"what IS healthy?"
"I don't know how you do it"
"you are amazing"
"i admire you"
"no one is guaranteed tomorrow"
"we all make sacrifices"
Here's what I know...my life is not normal. Not in any realm of what it was. That's ok. I would not trade normal for what I have now...but does that make it easy? No. Healthy? That is not my sweet angel. She is delicate and fragile and it's a constant battle of knowing when should we risk going places and when should we not...it's wondering if she's sleeping in the morning a little late or swallowing down the panic that she may not be breathing and being sort of terrified to go and see. (totally normal, right>?) I don't know how I do it either. Me in my strength can not, does not. Thank God for His strength. I don't feel amazing or understand being admired, because I'm just a mom loving my girl and doing what is necessary. My necessary is just on a bigger scale. Yep, no one is guaranteed tomorrow, but most folks don't look it in the eye every day. Sacrifice. Some are much more difficult than others. It's hard. Ways in which I never could have imagined but now live daily.
So, in my tears my friend began to pray and as she prayed the tears began to slow and my spirit was comforted. She didn't know what to say, so she just prayed.
I wish I was eloquent and could write some awe inspiring post that people would read, be touched and feel encouraged... but I'm just me sharing the journey I'm on.
Keep praying for me, friends...keep praying. Do you know why? Because...when I'm feeling low and and alone and all that junk, I tell myself or the Lord reminds me there are people praying...I just know they must be because I'm still walking this path daily and quite frankly I'm not broken.( or in the looney bin...:) )