When Mom gets sick

This past Saturday, shortly after declaring a break from my beloved facebook, ( in our current life, I've always felt FB helped me feel connected to people since I was mostly distanced from them, but with the current climate and rampant negativity, I just couldn't take anymore. ) I started feeling very uncomfortable.  While we've maintained being sheltered in place due to Lillian's health concerns,I have had to make a very few minimal trips into the public, and that previous Thursday I had done a major grocery shopping trip  for the first time in about 6 weeks.  So when evening rolled around and my temp started to rise, you know, of course, what I started to think.  I would then remind myself that I asked the Lord to protect my household and children from the virus and I declared it would not enter this home.  Nor the homes of my children.  I stood on that trust in the Lord, so each time the thought came, I would give it to God.  I also ached with fever and a bit of localized back pain for over 24 hours and by 6 am Monday morning I could find no relief, and I was struggling with breathing and yawning.  I drove myself to the ER and told them I needed to be seen for back pain.  ( set the scene for you, I'm in mismatched pajamas, flip flops and looking about as rough as ever and they asked me if I was there to visit someone...maybe i didn't look as bad as I thought after all???)   I'm just going to pause here and say, I'm writing this to remind me of God's faithfulness.  I'm also a detail person and I want the details to be right and people to know, from me, what happened so there is no confusion  So, after what seemed eternity to me, a CT, three shots of zofran and three shots of dilodid, which felt akin to sugar water, I was diagnosed with a high kidney stone.  There was a lot of urgency and an undertone of seriousness and I was only getting deeper into the pain the journey.  When the urologist came, he told me I had a very precarious situation as I had a lot of infection and I would be going to surgery as soon as they had a time, stint first...then come back later for stone therapy.  His words, repeatedly.  Right after he left, the nurse came in and whisked me to surgery just as I had finished texting Matt and my Mom that I was going to be going to surgery.  It was right at 10am.  I sat in the wheel chair and the tears started. I was nervous.  I didn't tell my kids I loved them before I left, or my husband and here I was headed to surgery, ALONE.   I had told the dr I ate four bites of cereal to take my meds that morning and I knew that would push things back (shoulda kept that to myself LOL) In preop I was told 12 would be my time because I had eaten.  I am not a person that lies, but was wondering to myself why in the world did I open my big trap....but my medical self knows better.  Stupid, honest, medical self. *eye rolls*   My pastor called at some point and I have little recollection of that phone call except he asked me why i was eating stones (bless his humorous heart)  and he prayed for me  Pain intensifying and me thinking how can I focus elsewhere??  So I opened my bible gateway app and turned to Psalm 23 and turned on the speaking function.  I was about 6 chapters in when I switched to instrumental praise music and the comforting hymns of my youth became a period of focus, now, at 1130 I started to shake and my teeth were chattering like they were going to fall right out of my head, I called for pain medicine.  The nurses came and and bless them, one gal stood beside me and just tried or reassure me and the tremors grew so intense and I couldn't relax nor could I take a deep breath with out excruciating, knife like pain adding to the whole ordeal.  All I could think was come on 12 o'clock.  I said, 12, right?  they said I think it's been pushed to one since you ate this morning...well, I thought I was just going to lose it all right then.  The one nurse left the room and finally came back with versed and fentanyl. I sat on the edge of the bed until the administered the versed and then laid down for the fentanyl.   I remember my teeth clenching again and then I remember going to OR, I wanted someone to pray, but didn't ask.   I asked them to take care of me because I had babies to go home to.  Next, I was in OR and things were not going too well and what was supposed to be an overnight stay (pre surgery), now i wsa hearing, she's tachy, her bp is very low, her temp is 104, get some ABGs.  I remember saying I hate ABGs, I heard septic, I heard ICU...you're stable but you need ICU...  there are other details, but none that need to be shared here, I'll spare you...lol.  And here I am now . Three days in the hospital and it's Thursday and I'm home now with a more procedures ahead.  After my full course of antibiotics, I'll have some sort of stone removal to go through, it is a 7mm stone, which as I understand is very large and will not pass on it's own.  At some point, after the "stone therapy", there will be another procedure to remove the stint.  I have brief periods of dizziness and nausea, and a walk around my house is enough to wear me out completely.  I have periods of intense pain associated with using the bathroom which I hope is just the effect of moving around more.  I had a catheter inserted for the length of my stay, so I've not been going on my own very long if you pick up what I'm laying down, you know? 

Honestly, I have persevered through 13 plus years of a difficult medical situation, but I, myself, enduring this for only about 6 days makes me realize how much stronger Lillian is than me. I have an even greater heart for those who are chronically ill.  This is the worst pain I've ever experienced in my life. I'm thankful for the Lord continues to give strength and am grateful for the faithful prayers of friends and family.  I know I would not be where I am without Him and the intercession on my behalf .  Do you seek to know the Lord?  He's waiting for you.  If you are far way from him, he's waiting .  IF you want to know him and the peace he ONLY can bring.  Reach out, let me share him with you.