Dental visit recap

Thursday, Lillian had her quarterly dental appointment.  It went terribly.  She was screaming, crying, fighting me, tell me "no tah" which means no talk.  After what seemed like FOREVER..much longer than it should have been, her hygienest looked at me and said, "this is the hardest time I've ever had cleaning her teeth." She said, "you know when you told me you had to fight her to brush her teeth?" I said, yes.  She said " I now understand what you meant".  I think, perhaps, she thought I was exaggerating.  I was not.After it was over, I said I needed medication and she said well, you don't have to fight her and I was said oh yes I do. I feel very shaken, physically...internally.  It's hard to put into words.

  Anyway, we left and decided we would grab some fast food before finishing the errands I had to do in town.  As we go in, Lillian has pulled off her mask .  She and her older sister are fussing about it and I haven't even had a chance to get it back on her and the lady behind the plexy glass is shoving a mask at me urgently, loudly telling me she needs a mask (which can be seen in Lillian's hand).  Without even thinking I barked at the woman that she had a mask, she has special needs and then proceeded to replace the mask, take a breath and place our order.  When we sat down, I felt regret.  I didn't mean to sound snippy, but I'm sure I did.  Not only was I still in recovery mode from the dentist, I was probably a little hangry, and if you read my last post, you know I'm not in a great mental state. So, lady in LJS, if you happen to read this, I'm sorry.  It wasn't you,  it was me and I'm sorry.  I hope my extra kindness after our initial meeting showed you I'm not an evil hearted person. Ironically, she served us our drinks, us unmasked at a table, no plexy glass, closer than when we arrived at the counter. Think about that for a minute...

She will see her pulmonologist this week for a routine visit and she's due for her cardiologist as well.  I expect nothing new.  Dr. Pulmo will probably be my last post before Christmas.  

When it's hard to be grateful for "normal"

 December has been a hard month for me.  Emotionally, I've been kind of a mess.  Perhaps it is indeed "COVID fatigue" or maybe not.  Maybe it's just the circumstances of life feel heavier.  I'm not sure.  Tears are readily available  these days.  As the mother of five daughters, I've experience puberty many times with girls and all the changes that come along.  When it comes to Lillian, I've heard a variety of stories from doctors and nurses stating puberty comes sooner for kids with special needs or she's so small I don't expect puberty until much later.  Lillian is walking thru this new season.  I am sad with a capital S.  It is so dreadfully unfair that she has to walk through this and of ALL things why does this have to be her "normal"  for her hard fought life?  The irony of the whole thing is not lost on me.  The prayers, the days, the nights. I've longed for something "normal".  A lump is gathered in my throat and tears are leaking out.  I never liked that my other girls had to venture these waters either, but you know, it's a part of being a woman and eventually, God willing, it allows them to experience motherhood.  The dagger slides deeper....or that's how it feels at least.   The body grows and changes and her mind doesn't.  It's not fair.  It hurts.  Choices are not mine.  It's hard.  That's all.  

So, if you're reading this and are walking through a hard time, I'll leave you with this and I'll keep looking up.

Isaiah 43:2

When you go through deep waters,
    I will be with you.
When you go through rivers of difficulty,
    you will not drown.
When you walk through the fire of oppression,
    you will not be burned up;
    the flames will not consume you.