What a terrible, I say terrible way to start a morning. We arrived bright and early to Kosair for Lillian's appointment, which we needed to be a half an hour early for only to have to wait and additional 40 minutes plus after her scheduled appointment for when fluoro was ready for her. Grr. You know, waiting is just a part of it all...but it just increased her anxiety by leaps and bounds. They gave her a dose of versed...the versed essentially is just supposed to give them amnesia....well I sure hope it worked. It was awful. It took four of us to hold her down...she was screaming bloody murder and fighting with every little ounce of her being. The procedure is as follows, they have to put in a catheter and fill her bladder until she basically can't hold it and pees and then they take xrays to see what happens when she is peeing. There you go. The machine is huge which is really what terrifies her...it was awful. She kept screaming "DONE DONE DONE" while weeping and fighting and screaming and wailing. At one point it was so pitiful that I almost broke down into tears myself and I just knew that would make it all worse. One word...TRAU.MAT.IC. Then I was upset because they told her when she peed it would be all over so when she peed and she wanted up, they continued taking pictures. Hello, they shouldn't tell her it's going to be over until it's really going to be over. *shaking head*
My nerves were shot and I still feel bad about it. After it was over she was totally hung over from the versed. She couldn't walk, but she doesn't know she can't walk because she's gorked out of her head. So we get her strapped in the stroller and head to take the other girls shopping with their Christmas money. First thing on the agenda needing to be lunch and it was a nut house at Chikfila, so we head to the local mall and finally get something and Lillian is just emotionally all over the place. Crying every other minute and me wondering what in the world I could have been thinking that shopping was a good idea. I really wanted to cut bait and run so to say, but I truly didn't want to disappoint the other girls. I was totally exhausted physically and mentally. I could not get the days earlier events off my mind. Then I had nightmares through the night about the girls being caught in a fire and not being able to save them and actually watching two of them burn alive. OH- AND- this is the ONLY good thing about this test...the radiologist is right there doing it and so she was able to tell me the results immediately..which unfortunately was not good news. She still has reflux in both kidneys. BAH. As I sit here and reflect on the whole thing I feel even worse because I don't think I ever thought to pray that she would go through the test without so much trauma. :/ So now we will have to wait and see what course we take next, I'm thinking at this point she's going to need stints. I don't know though. This whole ordeal leaves me with one thought alone...I wish I had some versed because I'd sure like to have some amnesia. People tell me all the time how strong I am...folks let me tell you it is heart breaking sometimes and it takes a mental toll I don't think I can ever really explain to someone who isn't walking through it. Not only do I have to deal with these issues there are bills and insurance and SSI and therapies and endless...endless other things to take care of. I'm no different and it's rough and it seems like the last couple weeks have been stressful ones in one respect or another. I think I need a good cry and some versed...did I say that already?
Anyway, we had a wonderful Christmas and I'll post some of our Christmas Eve pics as soon as I get them on my PC...I didn't get any Christmas pics because I was nursing the little man while everyone opened gifts, but as soon as I copy the ones that were taken I'll be sharing.