Overwhelmed and Blessed?

 Can the two coexist?  I say yes.  I sat here this morning thinking on all the things.  Well, first off this is a bill pay/budget day for me.  That can be overwhelming in and of itself at times.  My mind started running,  school about to start...the layers of "stuff" that will add to my load.....no longer having respite care because my daughter moved on to a full time job.....the layers that will add to my days...can I face the challenge of hiring a person I don't know to help.....a new job for my husband which is great but no overtime....can I serve in making a dish for a church dinner......what will I have prepped for our dinners the next two weeks....how can I use what I already have.....the lists....needs of my children....the looming infusions and hematology and pulmonology appts ahead and what will I do with my son, and who can pick him up from school that day......am I making the right choice for her care....I am aware that these are ALL things that face every other person in the world.  I don't feel sorry for myself, but I am overwhelmed.  Although,  everyone faces these challenges, not everyone is faced with a medically fragile child to care for as well.  The tears start to flow and I pray.  God help me.  I need wisdom, I need guidance.  Help me release the panic I feel. The blessings flow in to remind me, I am not hidden.  Random acts of kindness have flowed over us in the past week and a half.  Some of them specific to me others for our family.  They come in the form of an Aunt  who takes my son shopping for school shoes and buys him school clothes, a daughter who purchases school supplies out of love, a mom who takes us three out to lunch and sacrifices time to sit through appointments, friends who show up with ground beef and a gift card, a sweet friend who hands me a gift bag of goodies, friends who listen and take me to dinner, financial helps from a coworker and friends and our church.  All of it helps and reminds me He sees me.  He sees us.  

I'm struggling with the unknown and to be honest what will be known. I continue to trust the Lord and that He does.  I am sad that my child continues to face struggles.  Sometimes, the thought creeps in, how much can this little girl take before her body can take no more.  I do not linger on these thoughts, but I'm just being honest here, they do come.  But at the end of the day, the Lord is there.  He knows and he fights for me.  I need only to be still.

Are you struggling today?  My advice, "the Lord will fight for you, you need only to be still" Exodus 14:14

Dr.Gynecologist Visit

 Today we saw a new dr.  A new -ologist in our lives. First off, to those traveling via I65, do not drive to the other end of town to get on 65 as the on ramp is closed.  Let's just say I've now been to the actual towns of Dudleytown and Union town.  Took me 45 minutes to get to the Uniontown exit and travels through the countryside I have never seen, thank heavens I left extra early...thank you Holy Spirit for that prompting....back to your regulary scheduled update....

I did make a brief post on facebook last night about our "heavy" day.  It felt weighty to me.  We got to our appointment exactly on time.  They did her vitals and ushered us into a room where we sat for over an hour after her appointment time.  After I stuck my head out the door and asked if we were forgotten, the doctor arrived about five minutes later.  Of course, steam was slowly escaping my ears because I KNOW they would never hold her appointment time for an HOUR if we were that late, (that drive was stressful) I digress,  I relaxed and delved into the medical history of my child.  Why I think it will be an easy fix.  I, in fact, sat there wondering why we were even here.  I mean we got the shot going,  that will help her cycles, why are we here?  And then, the ball drops. The doctor starts informing us. 

The cycles are so heavy due to the Crohn's inflammation.  Her preferred treatment for Lillian specifically would not be the shot due to the fact that long term use of the shot causes osteoporosis.  Due to the fact that Lillian is so small and has little muscle mass, it's an extra risk.  She would prefer to place a medicated IUD under general anesthesia.  My next response is, if we go to surgery why not a hysterectomy or ablation?  I was not expecting her response at. all.  Those surgeries are major abdominal surgeries ( i know this) however, what I did not foresee was how extra dangerous it is for someone with Crohn's disease.  She said there is so much inflammation it would be very unsafe to perform a hysterectomy.  An ablation, which is where they cauterize (or burn) the inner lining of the uterus would only be effective for a few years and would cause a lot of scar tissue and would result in needing a hysterectomy in a few years anyway.

When we started discussing surgery, Lillian became very scared and started crying and was hanging on me for dear life.  I couldn't even talk about it to anyone later because the words surgery threw her into complete anxiety and tears. 

She is going to be scheduled for a bone density scan.  She's also already scheduled for an abdominal pelvic ultrasound in early September to prep for IUD,  

I don't feel settled about any of it.  I'm gutted, she has no choices and I have to decide which is the least worst option...not the best...no the least worst.  I'm sad.  This is hard.   Help me Jesus....this is hard.

The drive home was also a mess.  Delays on the interstate, nearly running out of gas, (although I left home with more than enough) more back road explorations....such a long day. I'm grateful for safe travel and that I did, in fact, make it to a gas station in time and that my GPS was actually accurate this time.  

One foot in front of the other and Jesus beside us.  That's what I hold on to.  Peace be still.