Lillian is feeling better, her feeds are at least going better. She is still coughing quite a bit in the mornings, but her night time cough seems better or I'm sleeping through it.
Sometimes, I just wish I understood what her body is doing and why. I wish I could peek inside her and fix all those things that cause her troubles. For whatever reason she is prone to feeding intolerance. That in itself could make me a basket case if I let it. I just grow weary for her.
During church on Sunday, our SS lesson was about desire. We were asked what the desires of our hearts were. Before I knew it was coming, ( most of the time I know) tears were streaming down my face. Another classmate was sharing and when she finished the teacher looked at me, he grew concerned and I just stated my desire was to have my daughter be healthy. That was all I could muster. Immediately I was surrounded with friends in the class praying. Being new in our church, few people know the journey we are walking and have already walked. I'm so thankful to have been there at that moment. Later, during the service, the same topic was preached, and I began to think, perhaps the desire of my heart is not what it should be. My child is ill. Medically fragile. While I desire that she be healthy and believe God can take all that away, perhaps my desire should be to accept that she is not. I continue to raise her up to Him. He knows my desires even before I utter them.