Wednesday, February 15, 2012

This morning

I woke up pretty early.  I heard you coughing from your room, but knew you were still asleep.  I checked on you and stayed in my room so I would hear you when you woke.  Several hours passed and I thought you should be waking up anytime.  Then it hit me.  I was almost afraid to look.  There are times (few and far between, but times nonetheless) that I am gripped in the fear that I will find you not breathing in the mornings.  Particularly when you sleep so long.  It takes me but a few minutes to shake it off and tell myself how ridiculous I am.  But really, your life has taught me better than anyone else, how quickly life can change.  In a moment you are living life and the next you could be turned upside down, in joy or sorrow.  I don't experience these emotions with just you. It hits me at times with your sisters or even Daddy.  I think, in some way, I'm just trying to be prepared for something bad to happen.  Isn't that awful?   I look back over the last five years and try to gauge if you have gotten worse or getting better.  It's strange.  In some ways yes, in some ways no.  You don't seem to have the lung infections that you used to.  You are, however, chronically ill in other ways.  Constant ear infections, chronic sinus disease...and this last year has just been hard in general for you and sickness. You have not had any reprieve from much of anything.  I love your strength.  You just keep going.  You have to be really down to let it get to you.  Lord, I long for these days to be fewer and fewer.  I love you my girl.  Thank you for the light you bring to my heart. 

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