Guilty

This may be my last post for a short while as baby boy will be soon joining us.  This is just something I've had on my heart in recent weeks and wanted to share it.  

I've known  three women who have given birth recently under emergency circumstances.  Two of them, I know personally, the other I know through someone else.  At any rate, each of these precious miracles is in their own battle.  Born severely prematurely or waiting for a diagnosis that these Mom's were not anticipating.  Oh how it takes me back.  Especially since I'll soon give birth again...anticipating a normal, healthy, uncomplicated delivery. As my heart aches for these mothers, I remember intently how much guilt I felt after coming home and coming to the full realization of the depth of my daughter's medical situation.  You may ask yourself, why?  why would you feel that way?  Well, plain and simple...I carried her.  Even though they said there is no medical reason why she was born with all these complications...right down to those chromosomal issues, I felt racked with guilt.  It took my several YEARS  to let go of that guilt. I had taken medications during my pregnancy to keep my BP in check, I struggled with blood sugar issues...how could they be sure it wasn't my fault?  After everything she was afflicted with, WHY had I let them do that external aversion which surely caused her brachial plexus palsy??  After everything else, why should she have to deal with a lame arm as well?  I experienced the harshest self loathing when she was in therapies that I knew were hard and painful for her or when she was suffering in the hospital and the ONLY thing I could do was pray for healing.  

In those NICU days, I was in survival mode.  I was grieving and just praying for survival..trying to wrap my head around all the harsh reality that was setting in.

My message here...I'm not sure.  Maybe it's normal to have that guilt.  I don't know.  All I know is that all that pain I was inflicting on myself did not change a thing.  Why it took me so long to be healed of it, I'm not sure.  I don't think it's ever something I've written of before..or really even shared with more than one person.  Just know, if you're reading and you are in beating yourself up similarly, maybe it's helpful to know someone else did the same thing and in the end, it won't profit a thing.  It will perhaps add gray to your hair and it will definitely steal the joy you could be experiencing in the moment.