Never ending

 Lillian woke me in the night Saturday, I failed to look at the time, dry heaving.  This continued for the entire night and all thru Sunday up to 11pm Sunday night.  We gave her some Pedialyte thru her feeding pump.  Yes, we still keep a feeding pump on hand for exactly this reason.  I prayed.  I prayed and prayed. 

I keep saying I'm looking forward to and I'm ready for a new season.  A season without sickness. My son was so sick this past Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, he had to stay home from school...all sinus driven.  He was miserable and could NOT stop coughing.  

Well, guess what?  I'm thinking that is just not my season, YET.  I'm struggling NOT to struggle.  It almost makes me laugh...you know, the maniacal laughter that might sound like I'm losing it?

I love making cards.  I have a long list of cards that need to be made...HAVE to be made. I find it so therapeutic, but I'm even having trouble getting my creative juices flowing. 

I guess that is where the enemy wants me.  

I'm know I'm not defeated.  I know life is hard.  I am grateful.  I guess I can't really describe the exhaustion of walking through being a caregiver 24/7. I could do it 8 hours a day when I was not attached....carrying empathy rather than sympathy.  In this walk, I carry it all.  The burden of suffering.  Watching my child suffer.  That hits so much different (as my kids would say)

So now, in my weariness, I'm grateful she is doing better now.  One feeding in that has not come back out.  She has bruised her lip from biting it.  Her stomach sunken in below her hips, vest hanging because that's how little it takes to ravage her.  (and ruining her favorite day of the week, Sunday)  

I see you, you can't have us.  We belong to the ONE.