Friday, May 21, 2010

Just being there.

As I go back and re-read some of the posts on Lillian I can vividly remember those times. Actually the last few weeks with all the news of the airway it was very much like being back in the NICU with so much unexpected information. Feeling so helpless and in disbelief that all this is really happening. I remember in the waiting room, when Dr. Throat came out and said, "her airway is much to narrow" I literally felt like I was transported back to those days. Disbelief and helpless. Thinking that this would never end for my sweet girl. Speechless..and in those moments knowing there is a room full of people, yet feeling very alone. Ironically, noone spoke. There were three people present around me and noone said a word. I think they were just silently praying. Knowing there was nothing that could be said...just having their presence surround me was comfort enough. It is difficult to thank someone for such times. There really are no words to express how I felt. Just a hug and tears, to share my pain. Honestly, I don't dwell on the hard times. How could I? I would never be able to take joy in the good ones. It does, though, remind me that God is ever present. He sends the right people and His comfort.

When Lillian was born, most nights I spent crying and praying into my pillow. One particular night, I was given a sleeping room on the NICU floor. Funny looking back now, it seemed like a little prison room, toilet, sink, bed. Didn't matter, I was so grateful to not be sleeping in the waiting room floor, it didn't matter. I think this was probably the second week into the journey...I don't know for sure, it was difficult to keep up with the days. I lay there in one of those uncontrollable sobbing states. Praying. Praying for it to all be me or for it to not be happening at all. Praying for God's will and the ability to accept whatever it might be. Just so devastated. Missing Matt and the girls, feeling so torn between my family and dealing with it seemingly alone. I had the lights on, and in a split second I felt as though someone had curled up beside me in the bed and placed an arm around my waist spooning me. It only lasted one or two seconds, but it was enough to snap me out of the state I was in and startle me. Of course, my eyes flew open and had the light not been on, I would have sworn someone was in the bed with me. Friends, I took me about two seconds later to realize the Holy Spirit came to comfort me. Little, insignificant me. I have cold chills when I recall it. I was able to stop crying and fall asleep. I know, and will never be convinced otherwise, that God is always there. In later days, much later days, I shared this story with my friend, Michelle and she began to cry. When I asked her why she was crying, she told me I didn't know how many times she prayed for the Lord to wrap His arms around me.

There are moments when I long for that 'touch' again, but just remembering it reminds me that He is there. Always there.

I'm so thankful for His presence and those people He has placed around me to bring His comfort to me. I'm thankful to see His goodness, everyday, trials and all in this precious life.


  1. OH Michelle! You got me!! I wish God could arrange for everyone I follow in blogland to magically be living within driving distance!

    I know that feeling. I got it the second Em was born and I held her in my arms. I had been praying so hard. I kept telling God , if this baby has Ds I'm not going to be able to handle it.

    The second I touched her. He was holding me. I've never felt anything like that before.

  2. I love your post. This reminds me of the night before my c-section when God gave me a peace that I couldn't describe. It was because so many were praying for us.

  3. This should definitely go in the book. *cries*

  4. So beautiful, I'm glad your faith brought you much needed peace. I'm wish things weren't so rough for your lillian it's just not fair. Ashley had a bad spell of ear infection last spring and missed preschool for two months solid finally both ear drums burst and that day she was diagnosised with dual ear infection accompanied by strep throat it was miserable. I hope Lillian ear infections are behind her.