Scars

I see the marks left behind
Reminders of pain, physical for you
Emotional for me, harsh reminders  of 
the past...

It used to grieve me when I would see all those small puncture wounds in your groin.  It reminded of the marks a sewing maching leaves behind in material.  How did you endure so much?  I'm sure I'll never understand it.  I can't really comprehend it.

You struggled to breathe yesterday as we moved briskly though the cold and it struck me again how i'd forgotten you sometimes can't breathe. A little bit of panic running through my head.  Asthma attacks scare me a bit.  Even with today's modern medicine, children still die from asthma attacks. 

I, once again, had fallen victim to feeling so normal.  We had your hair cut and I wondered what the gal must have been thinking..maybe she wondered why you didn't speak in words and only in grunts. But I was silent.  I just stood there holding your head when necessary.  I took some pictures after wards and you were so tickled. You had the sweetest smile on your face and I noticed in the picture the scar on your neck.  The forever reminder .I shudder at the recollections of those times.

I see the scars left behind
gentle reminders of hopeful days ahead.  

In my dreams

In my dreams, I want a room full of all the things you love...a play set, a full toy kitchen, a little pretend grocery store.  Room for you to run and play.  No limitations in this room.  There are so many ways you are limited in your surroundings. Not even sure about places that are safe or even fun to take you.  I know we have much to be grateful for and I AM...I am so grateful.  There are days, though, days that I ache for what I cannot do...what I cannot give you.  Days when I feel like my best is just never enough.  You don't seem to know, though...which is a blessing..but also brings a bit of pain to my heart.  Love, though, you will never lack for love.  How I long for your life to be easier.  For you to be healthy and healed.

My sleeping dreams are another story...they are filled with sadness and pain.  They are cruel tricks of my subconsience.  They are riddled with pictures of you dying...why do I dream this way??  I long to close my eyes and never again wake to wetness on my cheeks as the tears spill into my waking world.    It is a dream I fear will someday become reality.  Something I will NEVER be prepared for. 

I will try to stay in today.  Not think about my dreams, waking or sleeping.   

Balance

Remember those years as a child when you tried to stand in the middle of a teeter totter to keep it balanced and not fall off?

I was trying to remember a time when I felt really carefree...I think it was when my Grandma took me and my sister to the park.  She's is older than me and when I would push her on the swings (the seats made out of wood) I could grab a hold of that seat when she was coming back to me and it would lift me in the air.  I loved that feeling of being weightless.  As long as she wanted to be pushed I could be lifted into the air and feel that way over and over. I preferred that to being pushed on a swing myself.  How ironic it is to me that such a memory brings on a wave of tears. We were little kids then, but even as a child I worried.  My mom dealt with a lot of serious illness that nearly took her life and our home life was a little unstable, to say the least.

Just when I think I'm staying pretty balanced something else comes along and  life gets harder to balance.

It's difficult when your life revolves around keeping your child healthy...and I know every mother does that...but when you have a medically fragile child it all goes to a whole new level..The things you have to do to maintain your child's health.  Every decision you make has to be based on the affect it will have on that little life you've been entrusted with.

Add past mistakes that disable you from even being able to provide a good solid home for said child.

Add to that your concern about what you do choose being judged by everyone you know and don't know for that matter.

Then, you have another child dealing with an illness, and there you are helpless as ever.  Not able to do ANYTHING to help, except to pray.

Prayer moves mountains...prayer changes things.  But, sometimes, it's difficult to wait on those prayers.

It all weighs on you, rather, it all weighs on me.

Transparency...here it is...for the first time in my life as far as I can remember, I don't have the desire to attend church.  I am struggling with being preached to about love and reaching out and helping others and relationship when I have felt abandoned. I learned a long time ago that people with fail me as I have failed others I'm sure.  I try really really hard to reach out to others.    I pray and I worship. I'm tryiing to live in grace, but noone is perfect and it's hard.  Ugh.

Writing became a way for me to heal when Lillian was born, though I didn't know it at the time.  I have started several blog posts and just have been too tied up to write anything that made sense.  This whole blog post itself may be crazy, I don't know.

Balance.  The balance is off and I'm struggling.