Balance

Remember those years as a child when you tried to stand in the middle of a teeter totter to keep it balanced and not fall off?

I was trying to remember a time when I felt really carefree...I think it was when my Grandma took me and my sister to the park.  She's is older than me and when I would push her on the swings (the seats made out of wood) I could grab a hold of that seat when she was coming back to me and it would lift me in the air.  I loved that feeling of being weightless.  As long as she wanted to be pushed I could be lifted into the air and feel that way over and over. I preferred that to being pushed on a swing myself.  How ironic it is to me that such a memory brings on a wave of tears. We were little kids then, but even as a child I worried.  My mom dealt with a lot of serious illness that nearly took her life and our home life was a little unstable, to say the least.

Just when I think I'm staying pretty balanced something else comes along and  life gets harder to balance.

It's difficult when your life revolves around keeping your child healthy...and I know every mother does that...but when you have a medically fragile child it all goes to a whole new level..The things you have to do to maintain your child's health.  Every decision you make has to be based on the affect it will have on that little life you've been entrusted with.

Add past mistakes that disable you from even being able to provide a good solid home for said child.

Add to that your concern about what you do choose being judged by everyone you know and don't know for that matter.

Then, you have another child dealing with an illness, and there you are helpless as ever.  Not able to do ANYTHING to help, except to pray.

Prayer moves mountains...prayer changes things.  But, sometimes, it's difficult to wait on those prayers.

It all weighs on you, rather, it all weighs on me.

Transparency...here it is...for the first time in my life as far as I can remember, I don't have the desire to attend church.  I am struggling with being preached to about love and reaching out and helping others and relationship when I have felt abandoned. I learned a long time ago that people with fail me as I have failed others I'm sure.  I try really really hard to reach out to others.    I pray and I worship. I'm tryiing to live in grace, but noone is perfect and it's hard.  Ugh.

Writing became a way for me to heal when Lillian was born, though I didn't know it at the time.  I have started several blog posts and just have been too tied up to write anything that made sense.  This whole blog post itself may be crazy, I don't know.

Balance.  The balance is off and I'm struggling.