Many of my friends have been posting pictures on facebook of their children heading back to school. I love seeing the kids. Watching them grow and move forward.....
But sadness follows immediately and pain squeezes my heart.
My friends, friends I've had since childhood...posting pictures of their second grade kids. The grade my Lillian is technically in. I see them and I'm happy...but each time I think of it I reflect on my little angel who is so very far from her peers...and I just feel sad. Sad to see the milestones that continue to get farther and farther away from her. Falling farther and farther apart from her "peers".
I told Matt tonight I didn't understand why it made me so sad. I had to hold back my tears. There is just heartbreak I can't explain.
Everyone...most everyone...looks at Lillian and usually the response is "oh I think she's just doing great". Well, she is doing great. BUT... can you understand the pain of watching her grunt to nonexistent people playing in her own little world where I can't understand a thing that's happening. The daily frustration I feel when she's desperately trying to tell me things in grunts that I never know what she's saying and she just gives up.....or when she gets sad and I have no idea why because she can't communicate it to me.
I'm thrilled that she is relatively healthy right now.
She's full full full of love and she is happy most of the time. Thankfully.
But there are daily reminders of things that will never be for her. That's our reality. And right now, it just makes me sad.
Tomorrow's a new day.
Written in august 2014