New Seasons

Boy, this life of mine just keep shifting and it's a lot to adjust to.  Wednesday, we took daughter number 2 to college.  Matt planned to take thursday and friday off, which turned out to be a very wise decision...more on that later. Anyway, this trip was so much easier then when we took daughter number one.  We had no babies/toddlers with us which meant fewer stops and less drama.  (when we took Bethany, Ezekiel was a baby, hated the car seat, and was breast feeding, did not make for a fun trip) The down side to not having babies, less distraction.  So, I cried a bit on the way there and cried a lot on the way home.  It's that last hug...breaks me.  As I felt her hair blow across my face, I'm wondering how in the world did her life go by so quickly.  My mind is transported to her birth and the last 18 years of her life.  I know, this is how it should be.  I am proud that she is where she is but it does break my tender heart at times.  That being said, I woke up that morning with searing pain in my nose...by the time we arrived home not only was I full blown miserable, Matt was also running a fever and aching all over.  These last three days have left us sick, in bed, doing the bare minimum to get through each day.  Today, daughter number one left to head back to school and it is strangely quieter here as we all adjust to less in the house.  It's funny, Lillian and Ezekiel don't seem to notice a difference, but Isabelle and Madeline are missing their sisters.  I pray tomorrow leaves us both feeling much better and that the littles don't get sick/sicker than they are.  Ezekiel has swollen lymph nodes all up his neck and head and Lillian has been coughing and dripping since Monday I think.

Graduation, Summer, and a New Year....

We got through another graduation, now we just have to get through another college drop off...UGH...not looking forward to that.  Summer seems to have flown by and I didn't do ANY of the things I wanted to do.  I wanted to go do things with my kids...take them on day trips...even just to the beach. With a spouse that works ALL the time and band commitments and teenagers wtih jobs, my great ideas remain just that...ideas. Oh and let's not forget vehicle break downs, financial limitations, OH and this very special girl of mine...it's just not easy.

I'm enjoying, as always, all the back to school pictures and it seems SO many of my friends have children going into the same grade Lillian is and the underlying sadness is there.  There is a sadness watching your child fall further and further behind.  I've mentiond it before.  I don't dwell on it..but it is a fact.  Recently, I attended an open house for a family member and she has a daughter that is a little younger than Lillian.  It floored me to see how much of a young lady she has turned into.  While Lillian has grown, thank the Lord, she still very much looks and behaves like a young child.  Seeing my cousin's little girl or rather very grown up girl, hurt my soul in a deep place.

I also had the pleasure of meeting, in person, a friend whose daughter had some similar medical issues as Lillian and it was wonderful to hug her and talk with her and see her little girl.)( her entire family is beautiful as well)  What a sweet personality and precious grin.  She shared some of her journey with blenderized diets and it has spurred me to step out of my fear zone and give it a go.  

In other news, our dog of 12 years died, pretty unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago and it has broken my heart.  She was my dog and she was a part of my every day.  I still see her and hear her and think about her as if she is still here.  Lillian did not seem to realize or be affected that she is gone, however, in my grieving, she wasn't able to see mommy so sad. I truly believe she was grieving for me.  So not only was I feeling heart broken, it was so pitiful to see her weeping for me that I just couldn't do it in front of her.  Strange, because she's seen my cry before.  (because anyone who knows me knows I'm a crier..i know you're all thinking it would be impossible for her to have not seen me cry HA!)

Speaking of dogs, we are going to be looking into a service dog for her, perhaps.  I'm really going to be leaning on the folks who train them to decide if it's something Lillian could really benefit from.  More details to come as I know them.

Of course, you know we conquered, I use that term very loosely, her first dental appointment.  Yay rah, can't wait for next month's.  

Lillian's schooling will not change this year...we have actually schooled all through the summer, so really we have never stopped.  I have been discouraged with her seeming lack of progress, BUT, I brought home some write and wipe boards from the dollar spot at target and I handed it to her and said, go write your name.  She came back a little bit later and, people, she had written her name..NO example, no instructions...she just wrote her name.  I'm telling you, the Lord knows just when to send a big blessing.  The fact that she did that burrowed into my depths and left me feeling light and joyful the rest of the night. Now, she has refused to do it since, but hey...I know it surfaced and it can and will again.  The smallest things, friends...just full of grattitude.

I leave you with this, a few weeks ago I had set aside 500.00 I'd been saving to buy school clothes.  The very day I pulled the money from the bank, our vehicle broke down.  That was almost half the amount I had pulled for the clothes and THEN, I realized I was going to have to pay a sizable portion to the school for Madeline entering into high school band. So you get the picture right?  Bye bye clothes money.    The older girls have jobs and I decided well, i could surely muster enough money to get our new highschooler into a few things Two weeks after all this occurred, I got a phone call from a church member, (who by the way knew nothing of what happened) and said she needed to give me something, could she come over.  I said sure.  Short story, she said the Lord had been telling her to give us 500.00 dollars and she did.  I was overwhelmed and crying, of course, like a crazy person.  

God is good, friends.  I know or feel like a lot of what I post here might come across in negative ways, it's how I vent.  There are times when I feel so alone and isolated and even feel far away from the Lord, even though I know He's with me every moment.  But knowing and feeling are two different things.  SO, I hold on to KNOWING and then He shows me HE is.  He always is.  I just want to be faithful and give honor and glory to him.  So, if you're reaidng sometime my words and wonder how does she do it?  My strength...it's not my own.  

First dentist appointment

Yes, my daughter is almost 10 and she's never been to the dentist.  Judge me...it's ok,  For those not following along, Lillian has had LOTS of negative stimulus to her mouth, multiple surgeries....not to mention ALL her medical problems, dentist was just not at the top of the priority list. Of course, today, looking back I think not a great decision, but hey I'm doing the best I can.

First off, I really liked the dentist, she was very sweet and really wonderful.  Secondly, she was very accomodating to Lillian's needs.  They are allowing us to come in during winter hours on a day when she doesn't see patients so we can avoid germs. Woo hoo for that.  Today, the ONLY thing she was able to accomplish was to count her teeth and let me tell you, it was stressful.  Screaming bloody murder from the time they called her name back.  PS- you wouldn't believe by looking at Lillian how strong she can be when being held down.  When all was said and done I was left trembling myself.

So, we are going to go back next month and see if they can brush her teeth.  There were no real concerns as far as cavities go and she has some overlapping teeth, but she says not to worry about them.

We're home now, I'm still feeling a little ick...I just hate that she is so terrified and I don't even know what to do to help her get past it.  Bleck.  We go back in september for another visit..