I'm enjoying, as always, all the back to school pictures and it seems SO many of my friends have children going into the same grade Lillian is and the underlying sadness is there. There is a sadness watching your child fall further and further behind. I've mentiond it before. I don't dwell on it..but it is a fact. Recently, I attended an open house for a family member and she has a daughter that is a little younger than Lillian. It floored me to see how much of a young lady she has turned into. While Lillian has grown, thank the Lord, she still very much looks and behaves like a young child. Seeing my cousin's little girl or rather very grown up girl, hurt my soul in a deep place.
I also had the pleasure of meeting, in person, a friend whose daughter had some similar medical issues as Lillian and it was wonderful to hug her and talk with her and see her little girl.)( her entire family is beautiful as well) What a sweet personality and precious grin. She shared some of her journey with blenderized diets and it has spurred me to step out of my fear zone and give it a go.
In other news, our dog of 12 years died, pretty unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago and it has broken my heart. She was my dog and she was a part of my every day. I still see her and hear her and think about her as if she is still here. Lillian did not seem to realize or be affected that she is gone, however, in my grieving, she wasn't able to see mommy so sad. I truly believe she was grieving for me. So not only was I feeling heart broken, it was so pitiful to see her weeping for me that I just couldn't do it in front of her. Strange, because she's seen my cry before. (because anyone who knows me knows I'm a crier..i know you're all thinking it would be impossible for her to have not seen me cry HA!)
Speaking of dogs, we are going to be looking into a service dog for her, perhaps. I'm really going to be leaning on the folks who train them to decide if it's something Lillian could really benefit from. More details to come as I know them.
Of course, you know we conquered, I use that term very loosely, her first dental appointment. Yay rah, can't wait for next month's.
Lillian's schooling will not change this year...we have actually schooled all through the summer, so really we have never stopped. I have been discouraged with her seeming lack of progress, BUT, I brought home some write and wipe boards from the dollar spot at target and I handed it to her and said, go write your name. She came back a little bit later and, people, she had written her name..NO example, no instructions...she just wrote her name. I'm telling you, the Lord knows just when to send a big blessing. The fact that she did that burrowed into my depths and left me feeling light and joyful the rest of the night. Now, she has refused to do it since, but hey...I know it surfaced and it can and will again. The smallest things, friends...just full of grattitude.
I leave you with this, a few weeks ago I had set aside 500.00 I'd been saving to buy school clothes. The very day I pulled the money from the bank, our vehicle broke down. That was almost half the amount I had pulled for the clothes and THEN, I realized I was going to have to pay a sizable portion to the school for Madeline entering into high school band. So you get the picture right? Bye bye clothes money. The older girls have jobs and I decided well, i could surely muster enough money to get our new highschooler into a few things Two weeks after all this occurred, I got a phone call from a church member, (who by the way knew nothing of what happened) and said she needed to give me something, could she come over. I said sure. Short story, she said the Lord had been telling her to give us 500.00 dollars and she did. I was overwhelmed and crying, of course, like a crazy person.
God is good, friends. I know or feel like a lot of what I post here might come across in negative ways, it's how I vent. There are times when I feel so alone and isolated and even feel far away from the Lord, even though I know He's with me every moment. But knowing and feeling are two different things. SO, I hold on to KNOWING and then He shows me HE is. He always is. I just want to be faithful and give honor and glory to him. So, if you're reaidng sometime my words and wonder how does she do it? My strength...it's not my own.