When life gives you lemons....

 sometimes you just get something sour.  You may or may not know Lillian spent 7 days in the hospital in late September.  She came home and developed Cdiff in her bowels which took another whole level of treatment.   She then had a few appointments with her GI doctor and Pulmonary doctor.  Those seemed to go fine.  GI has decided to continue treatment for another 6 months and then he will see her and plan another scope.  

So, Saturday morning, she woke up and started having the very same symptoms she displayed on her last admission.  We treated her at home for 24 hours and contacted the GI team.  I took her to the ER and she was taken back almost immediately.  In general, testing indicated infection and she was admitted.  We were discharged Wednesday.  Right this moment, we're not sure if she had a viral infection, a blood infection, or this was a Crohn's flare up.  They kept saying that the remicade is great for Crohn's, but really bad for the immune system.  (and she already has a physical immune disorder).  

This is not the picture I had in mind when we got on this Crohn's journey last year.  Last admission was definitely worse than this one.  She was sicker for several more days before she was improving.  I just kept thinking and saying, I can't believe we're here again.  She was extremely dehydrated after 24 hours, her potassium levels were very low and her inflammation markers were very high.  

The chaplain visited us on Monday morning, and it was wonderful to have someone, in the flesh,  to pray for us in our time of need.  She quietly listened to me and that was the only time I cried while we were there.  Immediately my spirit was quieted, and I came to the realization that, if this is how it is, then this is how it is.  I am only human, but what a joy to know the God of all.  My thoughts are rarely "why me" or "why her".  As I've studied the bible more and more it's clear to me that God is the God of all things, and He loves everyone of us, and rain falls on the just and the unjust.  

I have determined to make my mantra, this is the day that the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.  You know why?  Because not one of us is promised tomorrow.  So, I will rejoice and be glad.  It's hard and it's mentally and physically exhausting walking this road, but I WILL rejoice in it.  As I sat in the hospital, each time a negative thought would attempt to come into my mind, I would silence it and declare a blessing or declare something I was grateful for in the situation.  The night they hung the antibiotic she reacted to, it was 10pm.  It was going to run 3 hours and I was so, so tired and I started asking the Lord, how am I going to stay awake for this long.  I laid there thinking and praying and all I could come up with was perfect love casts out fear.  I can trust the Lord to keep her safe.  I dosed off after an hour and woke when the med finished so I could silence the pump. (she hates the beeps of the pumps and monitors....high anxiety) We do have a choice where we let our minds go.  

We came home and I was so thankful but coming home brought its challenges which led me to crying in my lunch of popcorn and I really didn't even know why.  A friend purchased dinner for us from Cracker Barrell and I told her I was just crying and didn't know why, and she said "He's worthy of it all" so go ahead and cry.  I was reminded of scripture in Psalms of how the Lord can and wants to hear the raw and painful things and we can give him those along with our gratitude.  She hugged me with those words.  

This morning, in my time with the Lord, this verse spoke to me, yet again, " When the storms of life come, the wicked are whirled away, but the godly have a lasting foundation" Proverbs 10:25

Then I traveled over to Psalm 94 where these verses jumped out to me, "unless the Lord had helped me, I would soon have settled in the silence of the grave.  I cried out, " I am slipping!" but your unfailing love, O Lord, supported me.  When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer. (17-19) (22) But the Lord is my fortress; my God is the mighty rock where I hide.

These are just a few of the ones I wanted to share.  I hope what I'm getting across is, I can do NONE of this life in my own strength.  There seems to be struggle after struggle after struggle. There is also blessing after blessing after blessing.  I will rejoice and be glad.