Balance

Remember those years as a child when you tried to stand in the middle of a teeter totter to keep it balanced and not fall off?

I was trying to remember a time when I felt really carefree...I think it was when my Grandma took me and my sister to the park.  She's is older than me and when I would push her on the swings (the seats made out of wood) I could grab a hold of that seat when she was coming back to me and it would lift me in the air.  I loved that feeling of being weightless.  As long as she wanted to be pushed I could be lifted into the air and feel that way over and over. I preferred that to being pushed on a swing myself.  How ironic it is to me that such a memory brings on a wave of tears. We were little kids then, but even as a child I worried.  My mom dealt with a lot of serious illness that nearly took her life and our home life was a little unstable, to say the least.

Just when I think I'm staying pretty balanced something else comes along and  life gets harder to balance.

It's difficult when your life revolves around keeping your child healthy...and I know every mother does that...but when you have a medically fragile child it all goes to a whole new level..The things you have to do to maintain your child's health.  Every decision you make has to be based on the affect it will have on that little life you've been entrusted with.

Add past mistakes that disable you from even being able to provide a good solid home for said child.

Add to that your concern about what you do choose being judged by everyone you know and don't know for that matter.

Then, you have another child dealing with an illness, and there you are helpless as ever.  Not able to do ANYTHING to help, except to pray.

Prayer moves mountains...prayer changes things.  But, sometimes, it's difficult to wait on those prayers.

It all weighs on you, rather, it all weighs on me.

Transparency...here it is...for the first time in my life as far as I can remember, I don't have the desire to attend church.  I am struggling with being preached to about love and reaching out and helping others and relationship when I have felt abandoned. I learned a long time ago that people with fail me as I have failed others I'm sure.  I try really really hard to reach out to others.    I pray and I worship. I'm tryiing to live in grace, but noone is perfect and it's hard.  Ugh.

Writing became a way for me to heal when Lillian was born, though I didn't know it at the time.  I have started several blog posts and just have been too tied up to write anything that made sense.  This whole blog post itself may be crazy, I don't know.

Balance.  The balance is off and I'm struggling.

Dr Heart and a family update

Lillian had her routine cardiology appointment today.  We didn't have to drive all the way to KY this time as they have an office in New Albany.  Woo hoo...it was a somewhat easier drive and hey NO construction...can I get an amen?  It's been two years since she's been. The first question they asked was if she had her heart CT.  I was like, no...what heart CT?  Apparently, his office dropped the ball and didn't schedule one and neither Matt nor I recall him telling us she needed one.  However, he "wrote it in his notes so he knew he had told us" .  Anyway, he got a really good look at her coarc repair this time and was happy with what he saw.  I did ask him what we needed to watch for and basically they things can happen are not evident to us..they can only be assessed through testing.  He told me that pediatric cardiology is relatively young, about 50 years.  And over the last 10 years they are just now starting to see the effects of certain procedures.  Does that make sense?  So basically, she is at risk for aneurysms and dilation of the aorta. Since he got such a good look today, he is not adamant about getting a CT but if/when she has another one he'd just add on the heart part just for good measure.  Overall, a good appointment, but I told Matt when we got home that sometimes I feel like she's a little time bomb ticking away.  It's easy to look at her and sometimes see past all of the issues she has to deal with.

In other news, our third daughter was hospitalized for two weeks in November and those weeks happened to overlap with several of Lillian's specialist appointments.  Isabelle did come home with a feeding tube in her nose after having been diagnosed with a colonic ileus and severe lower quadrant pain.  Most folks involved in our lives were aware of what was going on.  What most don't is that since she's been home, it has been a slippery slope down hill.  She has continued to have problems with eating and tube feedings to the point that she passed out in the shower a week ago yesterday.  On Monday she was scheduled at an eating disorder clinic up North.  At that appointment it was clear she was in danger from a medical standpoint and after a brief conversation that resulted in her shutting down and not speaking to me, we made the difficult choice to have her admitted to Methodist Hospital adolescent psychiatry ward.  One of the hardest days of my life leaving her there crying with her head down. It has been indescribably difficult to have her gone during this time.  I stayed in Indy the entire evening after leaving her and my brain telling me to go back and get her.  This has been a very difficult season and continues to be so.  She is still there and we are hopeful she will be released tomorrow.  While I wanted to ask for prayer globally and I have no shame in what we chose to do ...it is very complicated to explain.  So, I ask for prayer now.  Pray she will be totally healed and continues to recover.

We have made trips to see her every other day and I'm so grateful gas has been so low because it takes a fill up every other day to make the trips.  Matt had to be off work for her previous hospitalization and we are still in the recovery phase of that financially.  Those bills are just starting to roll in. We are grateful to have very good insurance, but will still have a substantial amount out of pocket.  We know God will continue to provide.

I leave you with a picture of Lillian I took to show her how "crazy" she looked to try to help her calm down for the EKG.

Hair cut

Today Lillian got her second ever hair cut in a salon.  The stylist is a friend of ours and graciously opened her shop this evening so Lillian could have her hair cut alone.  There were tears at first.  Fear is her first response to most every thing these days.  As she began to realize that this was kind of fun to sit high in a chair, she calmed down and big alligator tears rested on her cheeks as smiles soon replaced fear.

as I sit contemplating the night, I wish the fears I harbor could be as easy as taking the scissors and trimming them away and dumping them into the trash.  In about a month and a half this little angel will turn 8 years old.  8???  How can it be?  Her 8 years of life sometimes seem like its been an eternity.  Struggling through so much.

As our children are growing by leaps and bounds I'm starting to really realize that it will be just a short time before they are all off living their own lives.   We will still have a great deal of time with Ezekiel and Lillian..which leads me to thinking on the future.  Now, I don't feel like I focus on negative thoughts, but I can't help but sometimes wonder how much time we will be granted with our sweet girl.  And I'm just going to say it.  I don't want to be in that club.  I don't even want to call it out.  But at times I'm afraid.  And that fear is overwhelming.  It weighs on my heart.  Heavily some days.

So today, I'll swallow my tears, focus on this....and pray for peace.

Dr Urology

Today Lillian had renal/bladder ultrasounds.  Once again...it was very traumatic for her and I was seriously emotionally drained after it was over.  I know...I KNOW there are many worse things to happen...and I KNOW because I've experienced a lot of them with Lillian.  I know there was no pain involved in what was happening...but she was absolutely terrified and there was no calming her down.  I'm a plus size woman...and it took every ounce of my strength to hold down that little 32lb body.  I could feel her heart pounding through her chest as if it might actually explode, I worried over every place I was holding fearful she would be left with my huge hand prints bruising her body.  That half hour felt like eternity.  It was finally over and we headed over to the urologist to get results. Praise the Lord everything looked good, she still has reflux which is why we will have to follow with them routinely BUT, she will not need to go back for 6 months and if all is well we will go to yearly visits.  She will need to start some profalactive meds, florogin and d'manos to help with urinary health.  She did have a temp while we were there which I believe is the onset of ears/sinus infections.  It is almost time for her nebulized antibiotics though, so maybe we can nip it in the bud.

Why does it bug me so

I try really hard to evaluate my attitude on a regular basis.  I realize I'm skewed in many areas and am always needing to try to see things from a "normal" perspective.  Course, that being said...any experience anybody has shapes they way they think and feel right? Recently it came to my attention that the words  people say to us in our situation can sometimes feel patronizing.  I will find myself getting aggravated and wonder why they even spoke.  Not only have I found myself irritated in my own life but in other's as well when they are facing the same comments.  After a conversation with another SN mom friend, she spoke some words that kind of shook my thoughts...we didn't know what this life was like before we walked it and so well meaning words are just that.  Well meaning.  Plain and simple.  SO, I must remind myself to be gracious...besides it's not really their words that are painful to me, it's my situation.  I must admit, there are times when I think  I really just want to have a reason to scream and be angry at someone when I'm struggling.  I just want to unload. Never happens because in the end I know it serves no purpose.  Maybe that's why when I get phone calls like I got today I feel totally unreasonably irritated.

Lillian's urology office called today and wanted to schedule her DSMA.  (this was a test they wanted her to have back when we saw them in Feb. and after we researched it, we told them last month that we declined the test.  Many many reasons) So, "Sunshine" calls and is giving me the date for this test that we twice told them we were not doing.  (rather putting her through for their medical research purposes) Here's how the conversation went

Me "she's not having a dsma, just a renal ultrasound"
S "well, back in Feb, the dr wrote we are to schedule it for august"
Me "we discussed it and I told her we wanted to wait to look into to then we told her last month we were not pursuing the test"
S "well, her notes say to schedule it and they company making the dye is discontinuing making the dye and they are almost out of it"
Me "ok, well, we are not putting her through the test, just the ultrasounds"
S "they are almost out of the dye and if you don't get it done you'll never be able to...they are the only company in this (emphasis) country who makes it and they are not making it anymore."
Me "right, we are not having it done"
S (irritated) ok. bye

SO much condemnation in her voice it was palpable.  I think I might have some more attitude adjusting to do today...sigh.

So, it's been interesting here the last few weeks....

Getting to comfortable in not being more attentive to Lillian.   It has recently really sunk in that she needs constant attention.  In many ways she is much like a very young child that doesn't understand many many dangers.  For starters...stairs.  We had been letting her travel down 7 or so stairs alone. (and up) until last friday...she was about halfway down the basement stairs with an older sibling close behind when she just got a little off balance about half way down and tumbled to the concrete below.  I had been upstairs with the baby.  Let me tell you friends, it was traumatic.  For her, for the two older girls and just down right scary for me.  Both girls were crying.  Lillian wouldn't move.  The child has no meat on her bones and she doesn't have protection skills.  (meaning she doesn't think to try to protect her head and such) to make things more difficult, she can't tell us where or if she's really hurt. She's always a little off balance, but when her ears are messed up she's even worse...falling constantly.  A few weeks before that, to make a long story short...she stuck her whole sleeved arm down a burning jar candle.  It's a miracle she didn't catch herself on fire.  There was another dreadful thing that happened, but I think my brain blocked it out because I can't remember it...but it was in between the candle and stair incident.  In a lot of ways, it's as if I have two infants.  I knew things would get a little more complicated with Ezekiel adding in and now that he's crawling and putting EVERYTHING in his mouth...it has gotten super challenging around here.

Fears, have I mentioned fears?  She is suddenly afraid to go to the bathroom alone...she's suddenly terrified of thunder.  We can't take her to band concerts and totally freaked out at graduation...OH that was it the other trauma.  ( I think I blocked that out for many reasons) And the wind.  She's afraid of the blowing wind.  I think it's because she can't physically combat the wind they way we do.  She won't stay out side if there is any kind of wind blowing even if the day is beautiful.  Sigh. If she wakes in bed alone she freaks out.  If I go to the bathroom and leave her alone...freak out.  Traffic noise on a road or a parked big truck outside a building idling.  What's scary about that is the only thing she thinks of is getting away from what it is that is scaring her not comprehending there is danger  in the way she is trying to escape...

We have also noticed a marked decrease in her activity level.  A LOT of resting on the couch.  She used to be up and running all day, but in the last months we've seen quite a change.  I've also noticed lots of episodes of apnea during sleep. All things that will need to be addressed at our next pulmonology appointment and I'm sure another sleep study will follow which we do NOT look forward to.  While I'm not focused on these issues...it does scare me.  Matt pointed out that she is getting bigger and perhaps the lung damage she has is making it harder for her keep up.   That strikes fear in me like I can't explain...but all I can do it give it to God.  It nearly breaks me in two when I think of the what ifs.  I know I know you're reading this and thinking...Michelle you can't do that...but I'm just keepin' it real guys...

In related news, I mentioned our housing situation seemed a bit sketchy...and I was right.  We've been given an ultimatum.  After the fall on the stairs I'm pretty sure we will not be staying here.  We have been offered another home by friends, but it is not in this area and if we can stay in this area that would be our preference.  So prayers  for that situation.

I've had so much weighing on my mind.  I read somewhere on facebook, I think a quote by zig ziglar that your past doesn't have to dictate your future....I strongly disagree... .
  I want to have my OWN home and a home that works for my daughter.  That means one level and a finished or partially finished basement that can be closed with a door.  We have to have central air due to her lung issues.   And I don't want to have to move my kids to a new school again.  So many things out of my control leaving me feeling like there are little to no options.  Thank goodness I'm not in control anyway, but it's still hard.   After typing this I'm thinking it sounds so depressing...but this is our walk and this is the real.  AND, I just really needed to get it out.  I'm struggling with feeling isolated from "normal" and from people who have kids with special needs who have a support network.  It seems people who have SN kids with commonalities hang to each other and I get that, but I feel lonely.  A lot.  *inhale* now I have a big painful lump in my throat....

On a positive note....she's a light and we are all brighter because of her.  We press on and do the best we can changing as the path moves us.

A life changing

On Sunday our oldest child graduated from high school.  As I look at her, my mind immediately goes into slideshow mode replaying her life from birth.  It's difficult.  I thought about her first day of school.  I took her and dropped her off and having to stay for a parent meeting, I remember thinking how incredible chaotic everything was.  I was shell shocked a bit.  I kept thinking "this place is nuts and I'm leaving her here with a school full of strangers and I"m supposed to feel comfortable about it?" And there was Bethany, unfazed, excited, dutifully headed off to her class room without even a look back.  I kept telling myself I should be happy that she was handling things so well.  I couldn't wait to pick her up from school that day.  How empty the house seemed without her there even though there were still two toddlers bustling about and me expecting the fourth child.  I imagine dropping her off at college will leave me with much the same emotions.  I'm already experiencing them now. Only at the end of the day I won't be loading up my little kids and going to get her.  I'll be arriving home late and wondering if I should call her or text her or how many times should I call her.  I'm sure she will be holding her own, getting to know new people and handling it all much better than this old gal.

(barely holding it together now)

Graduation day brought much pride as I watched my daughter in her white gown, gold sash, and purple medallion walk across the stage.  It also brought a wave of stress as Lillian was terrified of the band merrily playing the graduation march.  As soon as we arrived in the building and she heard the band she freaked out, crying, screaming, running in any direction to escape the noise assaulting her senses.  She was trembling from head to toe and did so for over a half an hour.  As luck would have it, we had to sit on the same level as the band.

After the ceremony we flooded out the school grounds searching for our newly graduated child...upon finding her we found a tree and photo ops ensued.  As you see, Lillian didn't miss a one.  I had to shut the door on the thoughts in my mind as I wondered how Lillian will adjust to life with no Bethany to be here. Her best friend sister.  No more slumber parties in the basement with  the one who brings her polar pops, reese cups, and pretty much everything the little girl asks her for.  How will I be able to make her understand Bethany will not be home at night or greet her in the mornings? Change.  It's difficult in more ways than one especially in her world.

Of course, graduation also makes me think about each of the kids growing up and how quickly it goes.  Bittersweet really is the perfect description.  I think of how happy and sad I can be all in the same moment.  Then as my thoughts drift to them moving forward I can't help but think of my little Lillian, who as time passes her by, she seems a little further behind in her own little world. There is a new wave a grief.  I think, how can I be sad that my oldest is graduated...moving on...yet be just as sad that my second youngest will likely not?  Crazy right?

So, if you see my tears, know they are happy ones... they are bittersweet ones...and  they go a bit deeper than just letting one go

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