Saturday, November 7, 2015

25 Days of Lillian (Day7) How her life changed mine

How can I even put into words how I've changed?  I hope this doesn't come across in the wrong way.  I have joy.  I have happiness.  My faith is where these things are found.  BUT, a small piece of me is changed and will never be the same.  There is a seriousness about me that did not exist before and the  care free-ness that I once felt no longer exists.  

I have melt downs over feeding bags, missed appointments, and wet beds.  Things that really don't matter, but I think sometimes the heaviness of the load I carry comes out in those "little" things.  

I'm constantly praying to remain unjaded.  I have to remember that because I've dealt with more than the norm, that others struggle with the norm.  My compassion gets skewed sometimes.

Well meaning people with their well meaning thoughts, who don't have a clue what our life is like, give them grace  They just don't know..they don't live it. people grace. I feel isolated.  A lot.  I've felt and been let down by friends and family. Give them grace and let go of the bitterness.  

I've learned to humbly accept the kindess and generosity of strangers, friends, and family and be incredibly grateful.

Confrontation has never been my strong suit, but living a life of fighting for so much for my child has made me fierce.  

I've learned that waiting grows patience. I've done a lot of waiting, friends...lots and lots of waiting.  Uncountable hours. Doesn't even bother my anymore...except sometimes in the drive thru. :)

Harsh as it may sound, it's true that my life is my life and people that I come to have to depend on are just doing a job.  There doesn't seem to be a whole lot of excellence in service anymore or even common courtesy. Professionals and nonprofessionals alike. This is something I experience almost daily.  I believe many other SN mothers could agree with me on this point.

I know as mothers we all have those moments where we feel like the day was a fail.  I experience that exponentially more when something happens with Lillian that could be prevented.

  I struggle with feeling the need for the everyday people in my life to understand, to truly understand.  Does that make sense?  There are several people I've only met through reading their blogs and I feel so close to them becuase I know they get it.  I think I have one IRL person that when I talk to her, I know she gets it.  Our tears speak in harmony.  

I have learned to never take anything for granted.  I can marvel and find joy in the smallest of things. 
I have found depth in the my walk with God that continually grows.  I see how he uses all these things to hopefully make me a better person.  More loving, more giving, more forgiving.   

I've learned that sometimes my life must be lived one moment at a time.  Minute by minute, hour by hour.  And that is ok.  Laundry will get done, floors will get mopped, dishes will be washed...eventually.  (not to say not getting those things done doesn't drive me crazy at times I'm just sometimes totally and completely overwhelmed)

I could likely go on and on.  So instead, I 'll share this picture, because I love her expression.  True essence of Lillian : JOY

No comments:

Post a Comment